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Rules to Live By
Gleamed from various places; I claim no authorship, though I wish I could. XD
1. If you think that eveything is going well, then you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
2. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
3. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
4. The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before.
5. There are no problems in life that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Men like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they're something acceptable to have dinner with.
7. Men are like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get. Most are fruits or nuts, and whatever you pick, you probably won't like it.
8. The light at the end of a tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
9. If you had to identify, in a single word, the reason why the human race has not acheived, and never will acheive, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
10. Celibacy is NOT hereditery.
11. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then set back and let the world figure out how you did it.
12. When life gives you lemons, find someone who's life gave them vodka and have a party.
13. Never argue with a fool; people might not know the difference.
14. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
15. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share your views with them.
16. The other line always moves faster.
17. Everything always goes wrong all at once.
18. You should not confuse your career with your life.
19. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
20. Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
21. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
22. Things get worse under pressure.
23. Never lick a steak knife.
24. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
25. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
26. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
27. Never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her at that moment.
28. Smile; tommorrow will be worse.
29. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
30. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a single amateur built the Ark, but a group of proffessionals built the Titanic.
31. Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
31B.Research supports a specific theory depending on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
31C. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31D. Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
31E. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
32. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
33. Everything takes longer than you think.
34. Beauty is only skin deep; ugly goes to the bone.
35. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
36. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
37. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
38. Every solution breeds new problems.
39. The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
40. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
41. No matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphy's Law will take effect and screw it up.
42. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
43. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, when you buy it, it will always appear someone else cheaper.
44. Anything you try to fix will cost more and take longer than you thought.
45. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46. The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
47. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's usually the way to bet.
48. In order to get a loan, you must prove that you do not need it.
49. Men are like Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest you don't want or are handicapped.
50. Murphey's Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.
Nicked from Clell65619's profile page on fanfiction.net
The Ten Commandments for Technicians
51. Beware the lightning that lurketh in the un-discharged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner.
52. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days in this earthly vale of tears be long.
53. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou worketh are grounded and thusly tagged lest they cause thee to make like a radiator, too.
54. Tarry not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for surely they are non-believers and are not long for this world.
55. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measure of a high voltage circuit lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.
56. Take care thou tampereth not with safety devices and interlocks, for this incureth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the safety inspector upon thy head and shoulders.
57. Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
58. Service thou not equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou wilst sizzle in thine own juices until thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery.
59. Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to glow like unto a lightning bug and thy wife have no further use for thee except thy wages.
60. Thou shalt not make unauthorized modifications to equipment, but causeth thou to be recorded all field changes and authorized modifications made by thee lest thy successor tear his hair out and go slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature hath made a nest in the wiring of such equipment.
*****
61. A fool and his money are some party.
Posted on fanfiction.net by Peppymint as an accompanment to his story "Escaping His Fate.". Thanks to Peppymint, Danjal, Shaggy37, BlackFen, Swdrone, Aires Drake, and Hellbendet! :)
62.The obvious suspect is not always the correct one.
63. There is always someone/thing out there more powerful.
64. Hold your tongue, vengeance comes to those who wait.
65. Even if you choose to forgive, do not forget.
66. Never believe you're crazy, look for another explanation.
67. Don't believe everything you hear.
68. Not all info is reliable or useful.
69. Retreating does not mean giving up, it means living to fight another day.
70. When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in your enemies' eyes.
71. Only a fool relies on one weapon, however useful.
72. Always have a plan C, just in case A and B don't work.
73. A good plan does not always work. A working plan isn't always a good plan.
74. A secret is only a secret if two people know it and one of them is dead.
75. It is better to have something and not need it than the other way around.
76. Never regret something you did to protect yourself or others.
77. Absolute safety is an illusion.
78. Nothing is ever completely helpless. Not even cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits.
79. Don't make the same mistake more than once, because it just might kill you the second time around.
80. Gather your own information because it's guaranteed that someone isn't telling you something, but with luck, what they're holding back will hurt them and not you.
81. Everyone has something to hide.
82. Pain is merely an indication that you're still alive.
82B. Too much pain, however, means that you did something wrong.
83. Confidence is nature's way of telling you, you don't understand the situation, Fear is nature's way of telling you that you understand the situation.
84. Advice and analysis from others is nice but ultimately it is your life and your decision. So choose the price you can live with.
85. When you don't have anything nice to say... STALL!
86. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
87. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
88. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
89. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
90. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
91. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
92. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...BELIEVE them.
93. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
94. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
95. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
96. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
97. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
98. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
99. If you can smile when things are going wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
100. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
101. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
102. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
103. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
104. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
105. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
106. Following the rules will not get the job done.
106b. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
107. Dare to be different . . .and smile at those who stare at you for it.
1. If you think that eveything is going well, then you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
2. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
3. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
4. The repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before.
5. There are no problems in life that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Men like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they're something acceptable to have dinner with.
7. Men are like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get. Most are fruits or nuts, and whatever you pick, you probably won't like it.
8. The light at the end of a tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
9. If you had to identify, in a single word, the reason why the human race has not acheived, and never will acheive, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
10. Celibacy is NOT hereditery.
11. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then set back and let the world figure out how you did it.
12. When life gives you lemons, find someone who's life gave them vodka and have a party.
13. Never argue with a fool; people might not know the difference.
14. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
15. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share your views with them.
16. The other line always moves faster.
17. Everything always goes wrong all at once.
18. You should not confuse your career with your life.
19. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
20. Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.
21. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
22. Things get worse under pressure.
23. Never lick a steak knife.
24. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
25. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
26. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
27. Never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her at that moment.
28. Smile; tommorrow will be worse.
29. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
30. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, a single amateur built the Ark, but a group of proffessionals built the Titanic.
31. Enough research will tend to support whatever theory.
31B.Research supports a specific theory depending on the amount of funds dedicated to it.
31C. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
31D. Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
31E. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.
32. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
33. Everything takes longer than you think.
34. Beauty is only skin deep; ugly goes to the bone.
35. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
36. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
37. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
38. Every solution breeds new problems.
39. The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
40. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
41. No matter how perfect things are made to appear, Murphy's Law will take effect and screw it up.
42. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
43. No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, when you buy it, it will always appear someone else cheaper.
44. Anything you try to fix will cost more and take longer than you thought.
45. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
46. The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
47. The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's usually the way to bet.
48. In order to get a loan, you must prove that you do not need it.
49. Men are like Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest you don't want or are handicapped.
50. Murphey's Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.
Nicked from Clell65619's profile page on fanfiction.net
The Ten Commandments for Technicians
51. Beware the lightning that lurketh in the un-discharged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner.
52. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days in this earthly vale of tears be long.
53. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou worketh are grounded and thusly tagged lest they cause thee to make like a radiator, too.
54. Tarry not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for surely they are non-believers and are not long for this world.
55. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measure of a high voltage circuit lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.
56. Take care thou tampereth not with safety devices and interlocks, for this incureth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the safety inspector upon thy head and shoulders.
57. Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
58. Service thou not equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou wilst sizzle in thine own juices until thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery.
59. Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to glow like unto a lightning bug and thy wife have no further use for thee except thy wages.
60. Thou shalt not make unauthorized modifications to equipment, but causeth thou to be recorded all field changes and authorized modifications made by thee lest thy successor tear his hair out and go slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature hath made a nest in the wiring of such equipment.
61. A fool and his money are some party.
Posted on fanfiction.net by Peppymint as an accompanment to his story "Escaping His Fate.". Thanks to Peppymint, Danjal, Shaggy37, BlackFen, Swdrone, Aires Drake, and Hellbendet! :)
62.The obvious suspect is not always the correct one.
63. There is always someone/thing out there more powerful.
64. Hold your tongue, vengeance comes to those who wait.
65. Even if you choose to forgive, do not forget.
66. Never believe you're crazy, look for another explanation.
67. Don't believe everything you hear.
68. Not all info is reliable or useful.
69. Retreating does not mean giving up, it means living to fight another day.
70. When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in your enemies' eyes.
71. Only a fool relies on one weapon, however useful.
72. Always have a plan C, just in case A and B don't work.
73. A good plan does not always work. A working plan isn't always a good plan.
74. A secret is only a secret if two people know it and one of them is dead.
75. It is better to have something and not need it than the other way around.
76. Never regret something you did to protect yourself or others.
77. Absolute safety is an illusion.
78. Nothing is ever completely helpless. Not even cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits.
79. Don't make the same mistake more than once, because it just might kill you the second time around.
80. Gather your own information because it's guaranteed that someone isn't telling you something, but with luck, what they're holding back will hurt them and not you.
81. Everyone has something to hide.
82. Pain is merely an indication that you're still alive.
82B. Too much pain, however, means that you did something wrong.
83. Confidence is nature's way of telling you, you don't understand the situation, Fear is nature's way of telling you that you
84. Advice and analysis from others is nice but ultimately it is your life and your decision. So choose the price you can live with.
*****
85. When you don't have anything nice to say... STALL!
86. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
87. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
88. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
89. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
90. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
91. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
92. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her...BELIEVE them.
93. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
94. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
95. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
96. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
97. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
98. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
99. If you can smile when things are going wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
100. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
101. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
102. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
103. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
104. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
105. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
106. Following the rules will not get the job done.
106b. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
107. Dare to be different . . .and smile at those who stare at you for it.