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Toll's Baffling, Confusing, So Strange, Very Weird Day.
Title: Toll's Baffling, Confusing, So Strange, Very Weird Day - A Buck-Tick Fanfic Parody
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own these boys. Atsushi, Hisashi, and Hide belong to their wives, and no one else. I wish I owned the Higuchi brothers though.. *sigh*
Summary: Oh come now, it's a Buck-Tick fanfic parody. What the hell do you think its about?
A/N: Since the Buck-Tick fanfic community is relatively small (I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, truth be told.) and their cliché list is relatively short, I had to bring in a few of the clichés from the General Jrock section to flesh it out a little. I normally wouldn’t have bothered due to having too few things to poke fun at, but this idea wouldn’t leave me alone. To add even more substance to this thing, a few specific B-T fanfics get poked. Bonus points to anyone who figures out which ones.
A/N #2: For some unfathomable reason, having all the superscripts scattered throughout this fic have screwed with the spacing between the lines. I have no idea why it did that, and nothing I do seems to fix it, so we'll all just have to deal with it, annoying as it is...
Toll's Baffling, Confusing, So Strange, Very Weird Day
A Buck-Tick Fanfic Parody
It was the utter silence from his alarm clock that woke him.
Yagami Toll raised his head from where it lay, planted in his pillow, and stared at the offensive clock, wondering why it wasn't making its early morning racket. As he was pondering the mysteries of his clock's silence, he realized that the light inside his bedroom was brighter than it should have been. It then dawned on him - no pun intended - that it was well past the time that he should have been up.
He threw his blankets back and jumped out of bed. Damn it, he was late! He should have been... should have been... Where should he have been? He stopped in the middle of scurrying around to find clothes and thought for a second. Where was he supposed to be? Buck-Tick wasn't on tour, they had no interviews or photoshoots scheduled, and their next album hadn’t even been written yet, so there was no point in going to the studio.
Toll sat down heavily on the edge of his bed. Nothing. Nothing for him to do, nothing that would require him to be up early. He could have sworn that there were things to be done... Didn’t he have a management company to oversee? Yes, no, yes, aah, he didn’t know!1 He tried to grab his hair in his hands to shake his head in frustration, but his fingers caught only empty air. He looked up in confusion at a mirror that he could have sworn hadn’t been there a moment before to see that his hair, down in a tail when he had gone to bed, was now up in its signature style. How in the hell...? He looked closer at his reflection and noticed that his complexion was flawless, not a spot or mark was visible, and he wondered how he had managed to put his makeup back on while he slept. What the hell was happening?2
In a bit of a daze, he finished getting dressed, while somehow managing not to mess up his hair, and wandered out of his bedroom into his kitchen. Since he was up, he might as well get some breakfast. He never noticed as his bed made itself behind him and the boxers and t-shirt that he had slept in vanished from the floor to reappear in the laundry hamper.3
Toll stepped into the kitchen and stopped. Why was he in here? He wasn't hungry; he didn't need to eat, hell he couldn't remember the last time he had ate! That last thought made him start in shock, and he slid to the floor with a thump! Why couldn't he remember eating? He knew that he had to have ate at some point the previous day, so why was his mind suspiciously blank on the subject? He looked around the kitchen, at the fridge, at the cabinets, at the pantry, and he knew that they were stocked full of food, just as he somehow knew that, if asked, he wouldn't be able to name what exactly they contained. He knew that they contained something edible, but that was it.3
He groaned and laid his head on his drawn up knees. First he woke up with nothing to do, even though he was sure he had a lengthy mental "To Do" list when he went to bed. Then his hair managed to style itself while his makeup reappeared on his face seemingly overnight. Now for whatever damnable reason, he couldn't remember the last time he ate or even what his kitchen was stocked with. Could this day get any stranger?
As if in answer to his unspoken question, sounds drifted in from his living room, as if something or something was moving around in there. He pushed himself to his feet and crept out of his kitchen as he hoped that it wasn't a burglar with violent tendencies or anything similar. He really, really didn't need anything like that, especially after the morning he had had so far.
"Ohayou gozaimasu, Ani!" a voice called out cheerfully, and Toll yelped in surprise and jumped back before his mind registered the identity of the owner of the voice. He walked out into the living room to see his little brother, Yutaka, ensconced comfortably on the couch, grinning happily at him.
“Good morning, Yuta.” he said automatically, as he wondered just when his brother had showed up and for what reason.
“Ame ga futte imasu.”4 Yuta said cheerfully, and Toll looked out the nearest window to see that the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. He looked back at his brother, who was still wearing a happy grin on his face, like all was right in the world, like nothing strange was happening, like he had not just thrown out a random sentence for no apparent reason.
Yuta’s grin got, if it was possible, even wider. “Of course, Ani, why wouldn’t I be?”
"So why are you here?"
"Because I had the strongest urge to come over and cry on your shoulder about how cruel and unfair Hisashi was being, because he‘s torn between me and Atsushi, and how I'm really in love with Atsushi myself, and how he's not returning my affections5, and how devastated I am by that and how it's going to cause me to lose my mind and commit all sorts of atrocities before I give up and kill myself."6,7
Toll stared at his brother, who had managed to say that entire lengthy, run on sentence in a single breath and in that same cheerful, all-is-right-in-the-world tone of voice.
“That sounds like quite a lot, Yuta. Are you sure that you’re alright?”
“Don’t be silly, Ani, of course I am. Hisashi told me that he doesn’t want me anymore since I slept with Atsushi, though I don’t remember when I did that, and Atsushi is ignoring me because he blames me for his problems with Hisashi, but that’s okay, ‘cause I have you, ne Ani?”
Toll nodded, at a loss for words over Yuta’s strange behavior, and he wondered why the younger man had used a Japanese particle in an English sentence. Wait, English? Why in the hell were they speaking English?
“Otenki ga warui deshou.” Yuta said happily.
And what the hell was with the random sentences about the weather, and why would he use the polite deshou instead of the more informal darou with him? Toll swallowed; something had to be really wrong with his baby brother. It was the only explanation for his strange behavior. He wasn’t sure what to do, but maybe if he kept him talking, then he would get a chance to come up with something better.
“Why do you think the weather will be bad?” he asked hesitantly. Questions were good, questions kept Yuta talking. Yuta talking was good; as long as he was talking, he likely wouldn’t do something else, like harm himself.
Yuta looked at him like he was completely dense and said sagely: “Because I’ve had my feelings hurt, and soon, Hisashi will reject me completely and shack up with Atsushi, so it has to rain while I rail and cry at the unfairness of it all.” He nodded his head firmly, as if to emphasize his point.
“So why does Atsushi blame you for his problems with Hisashi?”
Toll’s mind registered the use of another Japanese term in an English sentence, and two other things came to mind simultaneously. One, since when was Atsushi a vampire? and two, how was his being one Yuta’s fault? He spent a moment debating which question was more important and should be asked first before he decided.
“How is Atsushi being a vampire your fault?”
Yuta gave him another “Are you stupid?” look. “Because they says it is, that is why.”
Something else occurred to Toll then. "Wait, what about Atsushi's wife? What about Hisashi's?"
Yuta looked confused. "Don't you know? Atsushi's wife dumped him when he wouldn't quit the band." Yuta's look changed from confused to thoughtful. "Or was he ever married in the first place this time? I can't remember. They don’t have their thoughts planned out very well."
No, Toll didn't know, hadn't known anything about Atsushi's marriage being in trouble actually. He decided to ignore it for now and address the other issue.
"What about Hisashi's wife then?"
Yuta just looked confused at that one. "What wife?"
Toll groaned and buried his face in his hands as he sank down into the nearest chair. Had his little brother lost his mind? A sniffle brought that thought to an abrupt end before he could pursue it further.
He looked up to see Yuta sniffling quietly as a few tears ran down his face. “Yuta?”
“Hisashi doesn’t want me anymore, Ani, and Atsushi won’t talk to me. What do I do?”
Toll swallowed again; the radical change in Yuta's mood was startling. What was he supposed to say? What could he say? He hadn't known that anything was going wrong in Yuta's life, or in Hisashi's or Atsushi's for that matter. His thoughts were again brought to an abrupt halt when Yuta suddenly burst into tears. Toll got up from his chair and sat down on the couch next to his brother, who then practically leaped into his arms, sobbing loudly.9
"It's all my fault, Ani!" Yuta wailed "Everything's my fault! And now the band's going to fall apart, and everyone will hate me, and it will all be my fault!"
Toll awkwardly patted his brother on the back. "Everything will be fine, Yuta." he said as he scrambled about in his head for something more comforting to say. "Nothing's your fault."
Yuta looked up at him through red rimmed, puffy eyes and sniffled. "You think so, Ani?"
"Yes, I do." Yuta smiled a watery smile before he tucked his head under his brother's chin and sighed.
"I love you, Ani." he said as he nestled closer and wrapped his arms around his brother.10 Toll smiled weakly and returned the gesture, not sure what to think about Yuta's second sudden mood change. Yuta fell silent then, except for an occasional sniffle, and Toll was suddenly filled with an almost unbearable urge to go beat the hell out of Imai Hisashi for the pain he had caused his little brother. He pushed Yuta away, ignoring his puzzled look, and stood up from the couch, when Yuta's arms latched back onto him.
"Don't hurt him, Toll!" the bassist pleaded, and the drummer dimly wondered when his brother had started calling him by his stage name while at home. "Please, just stay out of it! I'll handle it myself!"11
Toll debated for a moment, before he conceded and sat back down. He knew that, out of all the other titles that he held, the title of big brother was most important, and he reasoned that if things continued to worsen between his brother, Hisashi, and Atsushi, he could always step in later.
“I won’t do anything for now, Yuta.” he said calmly “but you have to get the situation resolved between the three of you.”
"We will, Toll, so please don't say anything."
"I won't, for now."
Yuta smiled weakly and leaned against him, and the brothers were silent for a brief moment.
"Kimi ga yumete iru." Yuta said quietly, and Toll hid his face in his hands again and groaned.
"What's the matter, Ani?"
"Nothing, Yuta, nothing at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you throwing out random sentences for no reason, nor is there anything wrong with Hisashi and Atsushi seemingly having lost their minds when it comes to you. There is nothing wrong with all the weird shit that has happened this morning. No Yuta, I have no idea why you could even think that something was wrong. Everything is just fucking fine."
Yutaka gave him a confused look. “But Atsushi and Hisashi haven’t lost their minds, Ani. Atsushi wants to get into Hisashi’s pants so much he can’t think of anything else, and Hisashi won’t hear it, so they keep fighting and Atsushi’s being really stupid, while Hisashi’s being just stubborn, but it’ll work out because they have to have all the angst and misunderstanding before they can shack up.”12,13
Toll gave his brother a strange look. “Why do they have to do that?” he asked slowly.
“Because it’s in the rules. Didn’t you know?”
“What rules?”
“The rules that they go by.”
“Who are ‘they’?”
Yuta simply gave him another “Are you stupid?” look and didn’t answer.
Toll couldn't help it; he groaned again, and then realized dimly in the back of his mind that he'd been doing that quite a lot that day. Well it could be worse, he reasoned, he could be groaning because he was lying in bed, pinned underneath Hide while they....14
Toll yelped and practically flew up off of the couch. Where in the HELL had that thought come from? He sure as hell did not think of Hoshino Hidehiko that way, thank you very much. Hide was his friend, his unofficially adopted little brother; he definitely did NOT want to do.. THAT with him.
Oh good god, what the HELL was going on? He shook his head, desperately trying to clear the image of he and Hide in bed together, but it stubbornly refused to leave. What was worse, the image was becoming clearer and more detailed, and oh no... No, no, no, no, he was NOT becoming aroused!
“Get out of my mind!” he yelled as he grabbed his head in his hands and shook it even harder than before. He was dimly aware of the sound of his front door opening and closing, but he ignored it, all consumed with getting that disgusting image out of his head.
“Ani?” A familiar voice sounded in his ear, and a hand came down lightly on his right shoulder. Immediately, the image vanished from his mind, and the feeling of wrongness that he’d been having all day abruptly disappeared. He let go of his head and looked up. Yuta was still on the couch, but he was shaking his head and blinking his eyes like he had just woken up from a deep sleep.
Toll spun around to find Hoshino Hidehiko, the very man that he had been trying to get out of his head just a second before, standing behind him, regarding him calmly. The image of the two of them in bed together jumped up into his mind again, but the guitarist simply squeezed his shoulder, and it vanished.
"Ani? Hide?" The two turned to look over at the couch, where Yuta was looking at them in confusion "How did I get here?"
*****
Toll reached out with hands that were shaking just a little to take the steaming cup that the guitarist held out to him. The guitarist handed a second one to Yuta, who still had a look of complete puzzlement on his face. The bassist took the cup without even really looking at it, and Toll took a sip of the tea that his own cup contained while he waited for Hide to sit down. Once the guitarist had done so, Toll spoke the question that had been on his mind all morning.
"What is going on here, Hide?"
"Fanfiction." Hide replied succinctly.
“Fanfiction?”
“Yes, fanfiction. When you were a kid did you ever watch your favorite characters on a TV show or cartoon and imagine yourself in their place, or dream up new scenarios for them to play out?”
Toll nodded; he had, and he was sure that just about everyone had as a child as well.
“Well, if you had written those down, that would have been fanfiction.”
“So what does fanfiction have to do with what was happening this morning?”
“Simply put, you and Yuta were being dragged into one.”
“Dragged into one? How is that possible?”
Hide shrugged. “If I knew the answer to that question, celebrities all over the world would worship my very existence. No one knows how it’s possible, but the theory is when enough fanficcers - those are the people who write fanfiction - get going at once, their collective consciousness can drag us out of reality and into their twisted little minds. Most of the time, we’re not aware that it’s happening, and we don’t remember afterwards. If we do remember, it’s little more than a faded nightmare.”
Yuta, who had by then curled up in a ball on his brother’s couch, shivered. “That would explain all the nightmares I’ve been having lately. I thought I just need to take some time off. I had no idea that it was the work of fangirls.”
“If we were getting dragged into a fanfiction, “Toll asked “How were you able to break us out of it?”
“Once you’re aware of what is going on, it’s easy to avoid it, and it somehow makes it possible to get others out of it too. I’ve already talked Hisashi and Atsushi out of it.” Hide smirked. “Hisashi’s wife thought he was having some kind of nervous breakdown. He had been wandering around their house, ranting and raving about how much of a selfish prick Atsushi was being and how much of a slut Yuta was being, and he seemed completely unable to see or hear her.”
“Why not?” Yuta asked.
“Because he’s never married in fanfiction. He’s always hooked up with one of us, usually Atsushi. So as far as he was concerned, she did not exist."
"I hope you explained it to her then." Toll commented dryly.
"I did, and let me say that she was VERY unhappy. If any fanficcing fangirls cross her path in the near future, I fear for their safety. No one messes with her husband's mind and gets away with it...”
Hide trailed off, and the three men were silent for a moment, before Yuta had a question.
"How will we know if we are being dragged into a fanfiction in the future? And how do we get out of it?"
"It's very similar to how some people know when they're dreaming and can wake themselves up. You'll just know when it starts, and you'll be able to pull yourself out of it. I can keep myself from being pulled in at all, and I'm sure eventually, you will be able to do the same."
"So how did you realize what was happening?" Toll asked.
"By some miracle, the fanficcers weren't focusing on me that much, so I wasn't getting dragged in that often, but one day, in the middle of a very detailed dream involving myself and Yuta -" He nodded at the bassist. "- I realized that it just couldn't be real, since I did not think of him in that way. It was like waking up from a dream, and after I spent some time browsing the internet, I realized that the strange dreams I'd been having dovetailed a little too neatly with what was being posted online by these fangirls. It was later explained to be what exactly was going on, and I've been able to shrug them off ever since."
"I suppose we can count ourselves lucky that it never happened during a live." Yuta shuddered "I can't imagine the consequences of that happening."
"The good news is if we are focused heavily on something else, it's nearly impossible to drag us in." Hide replied "Otherwise we would be in serious trouble every time we go on tour."
Toll chuckled, though it had no humor in it. "I wonder if they have any idea what they've been doing to us?"
"They had better not." Yuta grumbled. The bassist uncurled himself and leaned back against he couch cushions, a thoughtful look on his face. "I wonder..."
"What?" the drummer and guitarist asked simultaneously, intrigued by the wickedly mischievous look that suddenly appeared on the younger man’s face.
Yuta smirked. “Do you think that it would be possible to... turn the tables on them? Get a little vengeance on them?”
Toll grinned a nasty grin. “Let me call Hisashi and Atsushi and invite them over.” He got up to go to the phone, while Yuta and Hide put their heads together and began plotting.
*****
And so, for the next several days, Buck-Tick fanficcers all over the world found themselves plagued by mysterious dreams that turned their deepest fantasies and fanficcing plots back on them. Instead of falling head over heels for each other, Hisashi, Hide, and Atsushi would stubbornly remain with their wives, while Uta and Toll would resist any attempts to hook them up with a guy.
People watched as normal teenaged girls (and more than a few grown women) went into a flurry of panic, wailing about how “the boys” just wouldn’t do what they were told. Every time a fanficcer tried to shack two (or more) of them up in a steamy sex scene, she would picture them with a random woman instead and no amount of bitching, whining, or crying could get the image back to what she wanted. All in all it was a bad two weeks for the Buck-Tick fanfic community.
*****
Hide browsed the Buck-Tick fansites with a smile. Ever since the eight (The ladies had insisted on joining in.) of them had started their little scheme, Buck-Tick fanfics on the internet had dropped off sharply in number. To make things even better, all of them had had fewer and fewer incidents of attempted takeovers by fanfiction. He couldn’t help the evil grin that appeared on his face as he read a livejournal entry by yet another fanficcer that wailed about the unfairness of it all. He leaned back in his chair and saluted the computer monitor with his cup of sake.
Ah yes, vengeance is sweet.
Finis
*****
Here are the cliches and fanfics that were poked here:
1. Despite their busy schedules full of photoshoots, touring, recording, and interviews, the band members will have loads of time off. (General Jrock)
2. They always wear their makeup, and more often than not, their hair is styled as well. (General Jrock)
3. The boys never eat, and are never seen doing any mundane household chores. (Buck-Tick)
4. Random Japanese sentences. (General Jrock)
5. Hisashi, Uta, and Atsushi are incapable of having healthy, lasting relationships. (Buck-Tick)
6. If the plot calls for someone to lose their mind, the dubious honor will always fall to Uta. (Buck-Tick)
7. "Breakdown", quite possible the scariest fanfic I have ever read, can be found here. Be afraid, be very afraid.
8. Vamp!Atsushi (Buck-Tick)
9. Uta cries easily and often, and is very clingy. (Buck-Tick)
10. When he's sane, Uta is very affectionate. (Buck-Tick)
11. "Shattered Roses" can be found here. You'll have to dig for it, but it's in there.
12. Before two guys can hook up, they must first have a barrel full of misunderstanding and enough angst to drive an entire country to suicide. (General Jrock)
13. Uh well, the fic that I'm poking right here seems to have vanished off the internet. If I ever find it, I will link it up. Until then...
14. All men are gay. (General)
The Cliche Lists can be found in the Archive.
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Epic sporking, OP.
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The thing about "Breakdown" that gets me is it's not a bad story. It is very well written and very compelling, but it's about a real person. The thought of Yuta murdering his brother and then killing himself makes me a little queasy.
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I'm glad you liked it. You're only the second person that I know of to read this thing. XD
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Awww. It's awesome. More people should read it. XDDDD
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Also, I'm a place of interest?
orly?
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Well of course, you're a place of interest! XD I imagine the internet home of the Gif Queen is a cool place to be! XD
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Gif Queen? XDD <333
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Thank you for the lulz! really great work! <3333
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I casually read fanfics (I haven't come across many B-T ones, though) and you really hit the spot with those cliches, well done! The plot twist at the end was especially fun to read XD
Oh, I've stumbled upon two fics with Atsushi as a headmaster, does it count as a cliche? :3
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Sorry, for just now commenting, but I've been away from my journal for a bit, and I just now checked my recent comments. XD
Sadly, I don't think I can list that as a cliche, but I'm interested in where those fics would be at. XD
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Hm, there's this one (http://echo-plex.livejournal.com/3440.html) (with a sequel (http://echo-plex.livejournal.com/3684.html) and that one where Atsushi is a teacher and not a headmaster (I didn't remember it correctly, lol XD) (http://echo-plex.livejournal.com/3440.html)