If I Ever... Become a Castlevania Character

[eiahmon]

If I Ever...

...Become a Castlevania Character.

1. If I am the master of the whip, I will avoid any and all romantic relationships until after I have defeated Dracula.

2. If I must take a girlfriend or wife, I will be aware of her location at all times. I will also teach her some magic or some other form of self defense, so when Dracula's minions show up to kidnap her, she can beat the snot out of them.

3. If my betrothed is kidnapped by the master vampire living in the Forest of Eternal Night, I will not be honest and leave my sword behind. Instead I'll take it with me because a) I likely paid for it myself anyway, and b) that helpful old man might not be there.

4. If my closest friend loses his wife and is positively devastated by the resulting grief, I will take as much time as possible to try and comfort him and ease his pain. Hopefully, that way he won't turn into a backstabbing prick.

5. When the final boss is defeated, I will get the hell out, fast.

6. I will find a way to hold more than the max amount of potions.

7. If I have left Dracula's service, I will not, for ANY reason, give up my powers. They just might end up being what I need to save my future wife or girlfriend when my former coworkers get pissy over my defection.

8. I will keep in mind when meeting a vampire imprisoned by the master vampire that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and I will try to at least form an alliance with him. Only if he refuses to listen will I take him on.

9. I will be leery when I see my kidnapped girlfriend or wife standing in the castle. She's likely a succubus in disguise.

10. I will think twice before swearing my entire bloodline to my own personal vengeance.

11. If I lose my memory for some unfathomable reason, and I later find myself drawn to a dangerous place, I will sure as hell make sure that someone tells me everything that I have forgotten before I go in.

12. I will not let my healer wife wander alone through a village of superstitious peasants.

13. If my wife is murdered, leaving me to raise my half breed child alone, I will shelter him from my evil ways at first. Then I will gradually introduce him to my methods so, by the time he is grown, he will not be disgusted and flee, but will be eager to join in and lead my legions to victory.

14. I will avoid having friends with jealousy issues.

15. I will be leery of any friends with jealousy issues that vanish for a long time and then come back with amnesia.

16. I will whip the shit out of ANYTHING that even slightly resembles a candle.

17. I will not question the tastiness of meat I find hidden inside stairs. Nor will I try to eat peanuts in a silly way that results in them falling on the floor, wasted.

18. If someone leads me along in an attempt to make my dangerous dark powers awaken, even though he knew it was a risk, as soon as they do, I will beat the hell out of him, because I was fine the way I was thank you!

*Special thanks to Rahenna for # 16 & 17


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