If I Ever... Become a Vampire Hunter

[eiahmon]

If I Ever...

...Become a Vampire Hunter.

1. In addition to the usual weaponry, I will carry a pump action shotgun. After all, garlic and silver don't always work, but a shotgun blast at close range to the heart certainly will.

2. If I am exploring the Master Vampire's castle, and I see my wife/ girlfriend/ etc standing in front of me, I will do one of two things. If I know that she is in the vicinity, then I will approach with caution. If I know that she is safely at home, I will run like hell in the opposite direction.

3. As soon as I defeat the ancient vampire in his sanctum, I will not stand there and savor my victory. Instead I will get the hell out fast, since the place will likely start collapsing immediately.

4. I will take the time to verify that any cute, innocent children that I run across are indeed human before I allow them to get close to me.

5. If, by some chance, that cute, innocent child that I have been protecting turns out to be a vampire, and it tries to kill me, I will immediately blow its head off, instead of wasting time moaning: "But s/he's just a kid!".

6. I will remember that some vampires can roam about during the day and will be careful not to drop my guard just because the sun's out.

7. Fly eating maniacs will be approached with caution, if I approach them at all.

8. If I am in a remote town in the dead of winter where the sun is not going to rise for days upon days, I will immediately torch the place instead of trying to pick them off one by one. If that doesn't work, I will get the hell out.

9. I will not keep company with stupid people, because they will only attract trouble.

10. I will keep a UV flashlight with me at all times.

11. If I hear of a large group of people seeing a man change into a bat or something of that nature, I will not automatically dismiss it as hysteria.

12. I will immediately destroy any crates of earth that I find. If I suspect the vampire is sleeping inside one of them, gasoline and a match will be employed.

13. I will pay attention to local lore and legends. They just might have the guide to defeating the local vampire in three easy steps.

14. If I kill a vampire that has been plaguing a village for years, and the residents get pissy because they fear the surviving vampires will take vengeance, I will say "Fuck you then." and leave.

15. If a vampire has been around for centuries, despite multiple attempts to kill it, I will get creative with my weaponry, since the normal stuff obviously didn't work.

16. If I run across the person that is the supposed reincarnation of a powerful vampire, I will not immediately pick a fight with him. Instead I will observe his actions. If he has been nasty and evil, then I will take him on. If he has been helpful and has been trying to put an end to the current troubles, I will leave him be.

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